oh the guilt

     Let me start off with, I am OK. I am not writing this seeking sympathy or hoping for messages of reassurance. I write for therapy, it's what makes me feel better, it's what I do. I choose to share what I write in hopes of justifying the feelings of others who are experiencing the same things. Today, what I am writing about makes me vulnerable for sure, but let me assure you, I am OK, just having a little self doubt and feeling the guilt. Moving on...
     It's been a month since I've last written a blog post. March is the craziest, busiest month at school. I put Lucky in Leopard on the back burner because sometimes that's just what you have to do. Little did we know that March at school was going to be cut in half suddenly and we were going to end up at home with all of this extra time on our hands to do all of the things we've been neglecting. I honestly wish that was the case, truthfully though, once school in the classroom ended, I gained two more full time jobs.
     I have found my days to be filled with creating and following up on online academics for my students (all of which doesn't count toward instructional time) while making myself available to all of them throughout the day for assistance and questions. I am helping my own children stay on top of their own academics, while keeping them fed, active and entertained and I am staying on top of house management. My husband is considered an essential so he continues to go into work each day to carry out his routine. Our normal (just like most) is that we both go to work, we pass the responsibility of our children off to their teachers and we join together at the end of each day and carry the home and family responsibilities out as a team. Well now I am home, and I am finding that I am putting these responsibilities onto myself, because I am home all day, there is no reason for it to all not get done.  This is the pressure that I have been putting on myself for the last two weeks, all while maintaining a stress and worry free persona just to keep things calm for my kids. Today I reached my breaking point, I succumbed to the guilt of not successfully and perfectly fulfilling ALL of my jobs and duties.
     Naturally, I had to write it all down. I began make a list of all of the things that were making me feel guilty. I know many of the things seem ridiculous but this is what we women do. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be the go to, to get the jobs done, to be the point person and when we fail we beat ourselves up. I am the one who has deemed myself responsible for all of these things, this is my fault, I did this to myself. I forgot to give myself permission to just let some things be and to accept the things that I don't have control over. Writing these things down today gave me the permission to let go and to share the responsibilities. I am still working, I am working even more. Yes, I get to work in my pajamas but working is working. If the dishwasher hasn't been emptied by the time my husband gets home, that's OK. If a parent email goes unanswered, I'll answer it tomorrow. If the kids don't get every task done on their school checklist, they'll do it another day. If we don't get outside today then fine, we'll spend more time outside on a day that the sun is actually shining. 
     I am well aware that my problems of guilt are minuscule in comparison to problems happening in the world today and in the lives of others. I understand fully that there are people actually going into work each day risking theirs and the lives of their families. I am well aware that people are losing family members and friends that they love. I pray to God every day for these reasons. However, I am not going to make myself feel guilty for losing my sh*t today and letting my emotions overwhelm me, even if the reasons seem petty. If there has ever been a time to give myself permission to let some things just go, that time is now. It's time to take of the guilt and not carry it with me anymore. #outofstyleaccessory